The Challenge of Adolescence
It's hard to tell when it's mental illness or just plain OL' stereotypical adolescence getting in the way of my interrelationships. I've tried to reesemble my life. I deleted my facebook app(not the account just yet, I have photos on it), snapchat and have kept only my tumblr and instagram (things I use as down time and make me happy). So far, so good. My life has that extra little stress relief. I'm not sure why I felt stress from facebook and snapchat. I usually regret the things I post and say, due to sounding self indulgent.
As an attempt to have less regrettable memories, I've been attempting to restrict myself to 200 max. words at school. I've figured that if there's anywhere im going to talk, it's going to be to my family. I haven't been that warm with my family for the past few years, and vice versa. But under instruction of the chief, aka doctors and concellors with wisdom and my respect, I have tried to bond. My main concern is, I will regret the lack of effort I put in to my family's life. When they die, I don't want to regret the love and caring levels I gave them. If I'm going to begin building good relations, family is where to start. At least, I hope so. To bond with my mother, I have offered to take her out to a restaurant and then to see Cinderella (she's wanted to see it for ages and it's the last screening). I asked her over text, but it still is nice that she confirmed. She's nicer to me. Sure, I'm acting as a daggy antisocial teenager that is trying to befriend her family, but who cares? I'm not going to be talking to those peers in 5 years. I hope, I will be to my family. For my brother, I am trying to talk more to him. But it's hard. He's cruel and harmful to me. Baby steps. For the first time in a month, I called my dad.mit was really good to just sit down, and have a chat to him.
Although I'm still suffering, it helps to focus on family and books. Yesterday I went to the library and read some inspiring books on adolescents and life. So what if I'm some lame nerd who is "discovering herself"?
On the downside, I'm experiencing more trembling than ever. Triggered by the most basic things. I'm fairly depressed and I'm getting more agitated. My teachers and I aren't getting a long.
Today I thought, "stop stressing". For a brief 3 seconds, my head had stopped tingling, my forehead unwrinkled and my body relaxed. I realised how worrisome I've become. School makes me fairly miserable. I hate that I'm not enjoying my previledges of a private school. As a child, that's all I ever wanted. But even here I am not. I am not happy, I am not enjoyable, I am not all the wishes and desires I had invisioned I would be. I'm not saying it's solely school that has made me my personal failure, but whenever I'm away or its end of the day, I am relieved for another few seconds. I love the fact that I go to a private school. I hate that I am still struggling and don't feel confident enough to ask for any assistance in class because the teachers are awful. Some can be nice, but I have a few teachers that are more likely bullies to me, but they get paid for bullying me.
I love that my passions are free; literature. I observed the resources at the library, there are more than just books. And it's beautiful. It's my haven.
There I go again, sounding like I'm in my own monologue in a coming of age tragedy.
Also, I think I accidentally deleted a post damnit.
Sorry for my cynicism. Most is going up hill. I'm also not wearing any make up, that I have yet to post about. Some of my friends are asking me if I'm okay and insinuating I'm depressed due to lack of make up, which is infuriating. I'm more comfortable with no makeup and extra large clothes than forcing myself to be in a size to small and 20kgs of make up on me. So basically, what I do at home.
Oh god, I was reminded of an embarrassing moment my friend brought up to a teacher, including the partial nudity of myself. That's another thing I've changed. I'm changing to reflect my values, by the way. I don't want to be as crass and unsophisticated as I formulate myself to be, including lowering my slang to meet my peer's. I hate that, hopefully the habit will break with the word restriction.
It's officially 11pm. Isn't it crazy how 12pm is before 11pm?
the other one