Where Have I Been?

To save you the trouble of reading for paragraphs, in three words; bed. school. repeat.

It's been 2 weeks since I updated, oops. Sorry. I've noted heaps of posts I wanna make, though! So yay for that.

For the first week I was away, I was in a cycle of laugh, cry, eat, sleep. Nothing interesting was happening at school, I felt like I wasn't really learning much. Which is disappointing since I'd like to be learning stuff and progressing to some sort of formality we call "success". My last published post was of my camera breaking, and let me say, for the pst 14 days, 11 of them were with my camera broken.

So after the week on mind numbingness, I had the desire of an experiment, which I like to try sporadically. So from about Friday onwards, I didn't wear make up. I deleted all my social media of which I know people from (aside from tumblr, but who would give that up). I read more, thought more, and listened more. And cried a bit too but it happens.

I began to feel extremely lethargic, so bad I couldn't and wouldn't depart from my bed. I didn't shower in 4 days. I ate when necessary. I was at the bottom of a dark pit, and I had 0 cares in the world. School was becoming less important, sadness was consuming me. A few days prior, I had ditched school to avoid accepting my award from school for the sheer fact I would have to be on stage with people I don't even like, and have unattractive pictures of me being taken. I'm not sure why, but when people clap or cheer for me, I feel like crawling up in and ball and crying. I've mentioned a lot during this post about crying, I promise it's for emphasis, I'm not some living disney damsel in despair. When people congratulate me, I want to scream and find an empty room. If anybody does have a reason for this, I'd love to know.

The next few days were a bit chaotic. I was suicidal, anxious and most of all; scared. My episodes had been such a dramatic return, and I had the most permanent intentions compared to before when I would think such things but never act on it. I saw my councillor, who could do jack-shit until I had seen my GP, which my mother delayed to book for 2 weeks. Until conveniently the day after I see my councillor. My GP was utterly useless and I spent the day an absolute mess post-his insensitivity. He had no experience in the manor, nor did he react in a way. He googled a depression quiz and said he's going to need a blood test, immediately after I informed him blood and darkness are major triggers to me. I felt completely hopeless after this point, and decided I will have to revert back to my old ways. I decided for now on I will divulge myself on the only reliable medicine I have experienced; literature. Read it, write it, analyse it. It's the best form of it! Medicine or distraction? Is medicine a distraction? Or is it a "solution"? But how is it a solution if it's not consistent?

Another test I love to try is the game of self awareness. I tend to shut myself off aka my episodes when I realise I've said too much. Are my experiments narcissistic and narcotic? Possibly. But the perks of these symptoms? I do not care. My test involves observing who wants to start a conversation up for you. For anybody that loathes in being quiet and antisocialisation (yep, it's a word now), do not try. It will most likely lower your self esteem. For me, it is a sort of reconciliation. Nobody, well, when I say nobody, mean the teens I associate among, actually cares if you say something. It's interesting to observe who is willing to take such a diversely discussed level of initiating contact. To some, it is a huge deal. To the majority, a simple conversation is nothing spectacular. What I find is who bothers to talk to anybody is a defiant moment in a person's character. While remaining silent, I see who matters to whom. Why they matter, is another aspect I have yet to figure out. To maintain level, status, reputation? I know I have experienced those intentions to some. I don't like to carry out this procedure for too long, after all, it is an attention seeking teenager gawking and relying on other teenagers.

Over the past week, my friends have noticed my hair thinning. Of course, over the months, I have too. I realised I live under an immensely large cloud of stress and anxiety, that I don't know how to live without because it is always there. It's quite sickening to hear your fellow peers point out your hair is drastically thinning. Every time I brush my hair, massive clumps are falling out. I know it sounds insane, but recently it's like I can feel the tingle all over my head, where I can feel the stress. The problem isn't that I have stress. The problem is, I don't know what my stress is. It's just this ever growing sensation that lights up on my body, never releasing itself. It snowballs more and more, until the weekend comes and all I do is immobile myself to deal with it. For 5 days I am in a whiplashing motion of trying to organise things while not stressing them and yet having time to procrastinate.

I've been also getting migraines bidaily, with or without glasses. I get moments when I can't focus on anything either because I just can't connect or because physically my eyes won't adjust.

I was going to continue, maybe in another blog post, but it's seemingly getting more difficult to continue,

the other one