Work Training

So straight after school, I had to go to training for work. I've already worked there a few times in favour of my mum (who works there), but apparently I was required to go to the specific training for more responsibility (which I didn't really want). My mum works at a jewellery store, and on the holidays I come in and work as a junior. This means I work behind in their office, cleaning the stocks and helping produce the little boxes and bags the jewellery is packaged in. 

But this time they wanted to train me into serving at the counter. This terrifies me, as a fellow anxious person. So after I knew why I was there, I was internally freaking out. I couldn't see how to get out of this. I don't want to let my mum down, either. 

Everybody who was there knew the reason for why they were there. I had no preparation besides some of my mums basics. I hate jewellery, so I never listened when she told me about it. My mum and her colleges are a very close knit group of friends, and I was/continue to be their second child. I'm the baby. I usually see them out of work, usually when it's one of their birthdays. So it was awkward to look so stupid when they were all professional. Not only was I letting down mum, but all of my fellow 'second family' who cared dearly for me (eg they were there to support me with my braces and one time one of them went to America and came back with American treats, just for me). 

So after feeling complete unequivolent to the entire staff, 3 hours later I was saved by my mum picking me up (she didn't want to teach the training). We got home, I ate some of my favourite cookies that she gave me as a treat, I brushed my teeth, cleaned my face, and got into bed. Just as I was climbing into bed, anxiety struck my body. I recoiled into a ball. I was paralysed. Everything was very dim, I was almost in darkness. I started thinking about how useless and stupid I was, and how scary this all it. My breathing patterns went of the charts, and unlike usual; I didn't shake. I was just whimpering and crying; I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move, so I just cried louder. I hate my mother seeing me like this, but this was the second time she has seen me have a panic attack in a month. It has to be pretty bad to just let my mum see me in a pathetic ball unable to move. Before she came in, I was crying really loud, and I gagged a few times from the threat of throwing up.

Once she came in she asked what's wrong, and crawled over to my bed. I think she stood at my door step in shock for a minute, as it's a very rare moment to witness me in such a vulnerable position. She lay in front of me and rubbed my back as I explained at best what I could. Thankfully she made me feel better by nominalising the problem, but I begun shaking at unease. She helped me into bed and then asked why do I this? (Which I can't believe after seeing that she thinks I'm choosing to have this reaction). I told her briefly I am not making this choice, and that I think in order to prevent more attacks I should get treatment. She said okay and we discussed the options and doctors, but I instantly wanted to not even think about seeing anybody. It would honestly make me even more anxious, so I'm stuck. I'm super anxious but even more if I saw somebody to help. I hate my mum thinking and sending me to a doctor. She and I both think I'm also getting these attacks when I haven't gotten enough sleep during the week leading up. But that's going to happen a lot for my final year in HS. So hence why I should probably seek professional help before I just die out of panic the night prior to my finals. 

That was my horrible day. I have felt a buzz of mild anxiety inside of myself humming around the surface since my last attack, and it hasn't gone away. I don't know what's going on. The only thing helping me sleep is the calming, probably false words spoken by my mum. It's as if I'm 5, that's how I feel. Like I was scared in a supermarket as I was lost, and finally seeing my mum. 

the other one 

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