The Stress in Holidays

So it's week 3 of my winter holidays.

And boy have I fucked up, once again.

I'm so far behind my study schedule and I've gotta condense it all into this last week that's remaining but the reason I kept stopping was because I was so anxious but now I'm even more anxious that I can't think and I've just got this ticking time bomb in the back of my mind and it's not fair I just want to rest my mind for longer then a godamn day I can't cope.

What a wonderful sentence.

In other news I haven't been able to read much like I originally planned. Which makes me feel like shit. I started up my old Shadowhunters account on Instagram and I regret it. The fandom is an awful environment and it stresses me out further.

Yesterday I was pretty much 90% suicidal. This isn't fun to say the least.

I just want to be allowed to not stress and do what I want and feel like my time isn't being wasted.

I've successfully gone outside and walked around a tad bit (to be fair it was for Pokemon Go, but still....).

I went for a lovely picnic with friends on Friday. Played some CAH (Cards Against Humanity) and other card games.

I feel guilty as I've had to cancel all my plans for this week as I'm in a lockdown mode-- where I must study for my Trial exams.

If I don't get higher than 80% on my last English exam, then I don't need to stress anymore. It'll mean that I am not qualified for the UNI course I want to do and I'll have to do a bridging course instead (so what's the point in trying now??).

I've had the most stressfully awful holidays ever, and I hate it. I feel like I've gone nowhere in my studies. Additional to the stress of exams, my mother is going into hospital again and will be in bed rest for two weeks (requiring me to look after her) exactly in the duration of my exams. Perfect.

I don't know what else to say I fucking hate right now.

the other one