I Blew It

Warning: this is a stupid entry from a girl with a pathetic highschool crush. Not worth reading.

Today I had to go into school for a lecture-- even though I've graduated.

I really didn't want to go.

For the first 15 mins, I was the only one there. Fine by me, the teacher gave her full attention.

Soon, one of my friends turned up.

Then my crush.

And suddenly, coming to class was worth it.

It was nice to see what a week off did to them. Beard grown slightly unkept, but a relaxed stance I never imagined from them.

Of course, for the remaining 2 hours of the lecture, little moments were shared. The friend who I mentioned earlier is more of an ex-boyfriend, to say. And he started up some big time flirting.

Why? I avoided talking to him for the past year, I couldn't face the past we shared.
Little taps and shrugs, and footsies. It was all too much.

But it did make me wonder, can he see any of this?

Unfortunately, no. Not that I know of, anyways. You see, my dear love sits on the other side of my ex.

But over the lecture, I ignored my ex's attempts. He  on the other hand, was the object of my attempts. And so the giggles began.

I'm quite shy when it comes to flirting (especially when my ex sits between us), so I never do it. But I realised after quite a loud giggle, that I was a little too joyful for seeing him after a week. I honestly thought I didn't miss him. But damnit, I did. He makes me happy, okay?

What makes me even more happy?
When I make him laugh. 

I achieved this many times.

My favourite moment was when he could see I was reaching for the Doritos (which I brought, and he brought Timtams), but I couldn't grab ahold. I gave up, but another friend of mine saw this and laughed at my attempts. So I tried again, just to prove I could reach them. But NQ reached them first and went to give them to me, but at the last second turned and had my ex block me from his view. I scoffed, not really offended, when I turned to the front. He was laughing lightly and passes them to me. This is such a  pathetic memory why are you guys reading this??

Oh right. Because the title is called "I Blew It". 

Little teases and flirts with the two guys carried on, even after the lecture. We went up to the library where I invited my ex to the movies with my crush. 


This isn't how "I Blew It". 

So my ex stayed in the library, I decided to leave. NQ followed, said he had to "bail".

I started up some small talk, asking if he'd be interested in a study group.

"Definitely a possibility". 

Are you serious right now???? 

I started rambling on in such a nervous way, knowing it was "now or never" to ask him as my date. But my mum was waiting at the car lot. And would you look at that... we were parked next to each other. Then I said "So... [ex-student] asked you to the formal... and apparently you said 'Ask [another guy]'". This was my segue to me asking him to the formal... but he interrupted me before I could go any further.

"Wait, what?"

Then starts laughing hysterically. He mistook what she asked him.

He started walking to his car, and I said (while mum was watching the whole thing, ugh), "Just for my piece of mind," I meant to say future reference, "is somebody else were to, say, ask you, would you tell them the same thing you told [ex-student]?"

He quickly replied no and all I can remember was suddenly being in my car.

I was so close to asking him to the formal, damnit.

I blew my segue. And now he's probably thinking about that ex-student. It's been 5 hours since we last saw each other.

I was telling my best friends, when one of them said the guys are seeing a movie tonight. Then suggested we should meet up "accidentally" and I could ask him then. After a thrilling hour of plotting, both friends backed out on me. 

I'm so sick of feeling rejected. I'm humiliated, over and over. I should delete my Facebook. All I ever feel is neediness.

It's been happening a lot lately. I can't cope. 

The school library is open tomorrow, so hopefully I'll see him there. I'll be honest, if he isn't, my heart may break the last fragments that are still together.

Constantly rejected. Constantly alone. I can't focus on studying but since our big exams are coming up, nobody is there.

the other one